Marriage After Children!
So Now There is a new baby in the family and this is a very joyful time for the entire family. this season actually brings you much closer together as you watch the miracle that has manifested into your lives as a couple. If this is not the first child you are just so excited about being parents to more than one child.
This is a joy that is incomparable to any other I have experienced in my lifetime. It is not just the two of you that welcome the baby but your family members including parents on both sides are just excited about the new addition to the growing family.
“If this is such a joyful time then what may seem to cause the distance between the two of you as a couple?”
This comes as a change to your life as a family and like any other changes of growth, it comes with an added responsibility.
Changes come all the time and we prepare for the changes of a newborn in many ways cornering a baby’s room (nursery), diapers, clothes, breastfeeding/bottle feeding, changing nappies, clinic visits, birth certificate, maternity leave and so much more that comes with your bundle of joy.
I have a question, have you prepared your relationship with your spouse after children?
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Chances are you have not and many of us do not until we realize the disadvantages of not being prepared.
Do not get me wrong, we never planned how to handle the changes after our children especially with the times and finances but we Learnt so much from our first and 2nd child and we corrected parts of our lives that we neglected by looking at our mistakes and correcting those too.
As strange is this may sound for many who believe in happily ever after, however happily ever after is something you both commit to and work towards. It does not come just by wishing but by committing to work towards that goal of a happy family life.
I did not steal your dream of “happily ever after” I am just saying things do not accidentally happen but you become deliberate as you were before the children. You would spend time together but now it may require scheduling since you are now responsible for another human being who has to be taken care of while you spend time together.
Today, I will share what we have learnt as a couple and how to continue to serve each other as a couple after children. We have learnt so much from people ahead of us and the word of God over the years. These things ground us to remember our roles as husband and wife in the midst of our busy lives.
BE DELIBERATE
We all love a little bit of spontaneity right?
However with the addition of children to the family, now you have to plan just to be alone together. I believe every relationship thrives because of the intimacy that is formed whenever there are no distractions.
You know how you watch people you admire who are really good in a certain role of their lives? I have have had many encounters myself especially with couples that I really admire. Those people are deliberate about their relationship by creating the time to nurture the bond they have with each other.
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Now that the baby is here, create the time to be by yourselves when the baby is sleeping even if it is just 10 minutes consistently over something you both really enjoy, even if its a cup of tea with no interruptions. Once you create this pattern you are more likely to repeat it but remember to be creative and change activities from time to time to keep it interesting and keep the fire burning in between the two of you.
Your children will reap the rewards too of their parents’ thriving relationship.
BE INTENTIONAL
“One act of kindness each moment!”
One act of kindness each moment in your day to day lives. So your lives are not going to stop because you desire to bond but you have to bond in the midst of the busy schedule that you have.
This phrase has been one I have been meditating on the past days. In as much as I have so much to do but if I can make time to just watch one soccer match with my husband even if I do not sit through the entire match but it will be our sacred time together.
If your spouse enjoys a cup of coffee, strive to make that cup whenever you remember and set an intention to do it consistently. The great news is that it does not have to take that long to do something good for your spouse a day. When you set an intention you are more likely to remember the intention. Write it down if you can and make it a priority and by doing this consistently you set yourself up for winning (you win together as a team)
This is because you have not piled up or withheld the good you desire to do and will not try to stack up all the good things to do on his birthday. Do random acts of expressing love and submission by doing these consistently.
DO NOT SETTLE FOR NORMS BUT MAINTAIN YOUR LOVE
The power of your mind!
Do not settle to be just like everyone else and that it is normal to grow apart when you start having children or after a certain number of years in marriage. Choose you own beliefs that have a strong foundation in the word of God.
Avoid getting lost in the crowd but recognize what your desires are for your family and seek God’s guidance to give you the desires of your heart. Navigate and sift through information you get in society. Ask yourself, does it really align with what you desire and where you see yourself in future?
DO NOT COMPARE!
One of the most important things to remember is to avoid comparing your relationship to other relationships. There are many ways of expressing love to each other as a couple but social media can influence us into thinking its just about flowers, events, holidays and gifts. It is lovely to receive such gifts but it is not the only way love is expressed.
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Social media just shows a glimpse of the entire picture presented to us as it it with you when you post. I have taught myself over the years to acknowledge my own relationship as the best love story I love to hear over and over again.
Every relationship goes through changes and has its own challenges, it is time you embraced yours and thrive through your post partum journey with joy and ease as you love your own life too.
Celebrate your love story and keep adding the good times on its memory so stack up on the good times.
RESET YOUR PRIORITIES!
“As you get used to your spouse you may ignorantly make your priority scrolling through your feed and going to bed as soon as the children sleep”
And it is so funny how much we insist we do not have time but we have time to scroll through our feed. Even if you allocated some days to scroll and some for your spouse you would still get a good balance. I have had my fair share of time mismanagement and not prioritizing my own marriage and family at a certain time.
Your actions will always lead you to where your priorities are. This is a good measure to see where exactly your priorities are. As the family grows our priorities change because we also change and we are exposed to different voices that speak into our lives. Before we can even sift the information and find one that relates to our values we have already changed.
Sometimes we get caught up in day to day activities and forgot what our relationships meant to us and we gradually replace it with the joys of our new baby.
Remember to refocus yourselves to your priorities as you nurse a new baby, remember to nurse your relationship with your spouse.
WORK THROUGH THE CHANGES TOGETHER!
This is a point that my husband loves so much. Creating a growing bond together will come as you purposely create time to know each other even after marriage. One of the best ways to bond after the baby is taking care of the baby together and doing things for the baby together as a family.
One of the things we learnt is that you may not have as much time alone together like before, however you can be able to bath the baby together, prepare meals together, pick baby clothes or get the baby to sleep together. When the baby is older you can take walks around your block with your baby.
There are a lot of activities you can do while a new born is around. One of the simplest is watching a movie together in the house as the baby wakes up and falls asleep from time to time.
The are many changes you have to make when a new baby comes and this includes financial changes. Work through these changes together creating a harmonious flow between the two of you. This will include supporting each other financially as a team.
DO NO FORGET TO HAVE FUN!
Oh my! it is amazing how we forget to have fun in life and life just becomes such a routine and chore without the beauty it has. Our relationships are supposed to make us dream, aspire to be more, discover ourselves, our partners, our passions, interests and bring fulfilment in each other as we serve each other.
One trap to avoid is making a relationship a chore and it can easily become a chore when there are children. Most days you just want to get everything done and make it to bed so you sleep. You forget to enjoy time with your spouse and your children.
Pick out one thing you enjoy as a family and build up as you go through this year. Pick one thing you can do with your partner you really enjoy and make time to do this too consistently. It may be watching comedy a after the children go to bed. Now you know you have something to look forward to every night or twice a week whatever works for the both of you.
CREATE BOUNDERIES!
It is time to create boundaries! yes they are necessary for a healthy family. Your family is growing and your time together is valuable. You are both to decide whom you allow in your home and for how long now that your family members and friends want to see the baby. Some people can decide they want to move in with you, yet you still need your space and private times as a family.
The time you have alone as a couple and your children is very important!
Look into choosing a stay in nanny or a stay out because it affects the time you have to be alone in the house by yourselves. It changes most things when someone moves in with you even if its the nanny.
Create a plan to control that, if you have a stay in nanny consider giving her more weekends off. This may mean more for you to do but this takes us back to point number 6 where you work through the changes together. This gives you the privilege to take care of each other yet always having help may rob you of that at times unnecessarily.
when your baby is much younger like a new born it may really be a challenge to find some space by yourselves. I remember just how much I craved for time alone with my husband when we had just given birth to our first born. When we had our second baby we knew what did not work for us with our first experience and we had more control and took firm decisions concerning our boundaries as a family.
CONTINUE TO PURSUE EACH OTHER!
Spend time together, it will take some effort and scheduling here and there. This is not a fairy tale, you work towards the things you want in life. The world is now more clear that you need to work towards anything you desire to have. This is no different, become so deliberate over the years to spend as much time as you can with your spouse.
Sometimes we run errands together but what we love the most is that we are together and we are growing as we learn from others and as we look at what has works for us and creating positive patterns that grow us towards each other and not apart.
Ignite that passion you have for each other by pursuing each other. Do it deliberately so and set an intention, if it means the have to children sleep at a certain time for that to be possible then so be it. However gentle yourselves into it and the children too.
None of us have this really figured out so do not ever feel bad if you have allowed distance to grow in your relationship. It is never on purpose for any of us but so many times we realize we are missing it somewhere and we correct and continue to heal those areas and pray for wholeness.
Distance does not happen over night, but it takes gradual consistence that leads to a rift that is much more challenging to work through.
Imagine gradual consistence that works towards a healthy, abundant, peaceful relationship consistently that adds up to a beautiful journey built over the years intentionally by two people who desire such a life!
INVOLVE GOD
Sometimes we feel powerless from time to time with our desires but when you seek God’s guidance things fall into place because He s all Knowing and All Wisdom!
Ecclesiastes 4:12
"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." (NIV)
God bless you and your families, May you be made whole today and your future generations!
Wrapped in Love,
Futhi Mkhwanazi
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