I really feel that marriages have been so focused on the physical aspect (if that is an actual thing) especially in this time we are living in and it leaves a lot of people with misdirected expectations and disappointments.
We tend to think of marriage on the woman perspective as dressing well for your husband, having the best physique, receiving flowers, going on holiday all the time, taking social media pictures and videos.
Life is deeper than that and as much as those things I counted are a bonus however that is not the purpose of Marriage.
What is Marriage?
Ephesians 5:23-33
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c]
32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
It is these things that mislead us into concluding marriage to be one thing yet it is much bigger and requires so much growth from us than we realize. We live in seasons where all things happen so fast and we get to view peoples lives on social media and that drives us especially us women into thinking we need those things or experiences that other couples are having to build a marriage.
However we do not know their whole story, their purpose and where they intend to go as a couple.
There is one woman I admire so much and let me clearly state why.
I admire her so much because I believe as I look at her life from afar she embodies the idea I believe God had in mind for a wife to a husband.
She carries herself with so much peace, grace and joy ; together with her husband they keep on doing very well in their relationship and their careers together because that is the power each woman carries and that is being a helpmate, a supporter, a cheerleader, an influence r to the husband and to give him much respect as unto the Lord (as a king) that there is no other way or thing for him to do but to prosper.
So this wonderful woman makes a post that Life is much bigger than the physical aspect that most people see and if you do not like something about yourself then change it if it is possible but if it is not possible then accept it and embrace yourself(physical appearance) fully because you are much more valuable than the physical person that people see.
We need that kind of a word most days as women because we have focused so much on outer beauty forgetting inner strength as our souls prospers.
It is so easy to forget that as much as we need inner strength we are not men but nurturers, we receive love and we cannot receive love well when we are rigid and have hardened our hearts as society has often taught us to.
We cannot expect to have wonderful marriages while we try to toughen up like men, there may be a need to be tough and be full of strength but we cannot dethrone our husbands off their leadership role.
This is a seat given to them by God and if we try to do so it hinders the relationship between a husband and a wife. This leaves the home full of discord, lack of peace, strife, confusion and even if we may force the gifts and other physical aspects of marriage there are parts of the relationship that will always be lacking instead of wholeness in the home.
That is why you may find a woman who according to the world standards is not a standard beauty but has her husband adore her so much, she is literally her husband’s crown.
Her husband adores her and she is such a joyful wife and is always a happy wife for the husband because she has not shifted her position as a woman. She allows her husband to lead or at least is so smart about it she makes her husband thinks he is taking the lead by her softness, mannerisms and the way she respects her husband.
Esther 5:2-5
2 When he saw Queen Esther standing in the court, he was pleased with her and held out to her the gold scepter that was in his hand. So Esther approached and touched the tip of the scepter.
3 Then the king asked, “What is it, Queen Esther? What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be given you.”
4 “If it pleases the king,” replied Esther, “let the king, together with Haman, come today to a banquet I have prepared for him.”
5 “Bring Haman at once,” the king said, “so that we may do what Esther asks.”
I know a lot of women are always complaining why we are always so focused on doing what men want and until you perceive the things God speaks of the roles of a husband and a wife you will continue to be miserable to moving yourself from the role that God Intended you to take.
I know very well how that space feels like because for many years women are losing their position because the world tells us what is contrary to the word of God and it may be really challenging to notice and be aware of the neglect we have accepted and become more masculine which is not what the husband desires from the woman he married.
What is a Woman? or rather who is a Woman? have you not asked yourself this question before? well I have, several times whenever I have felt disconnected from myself. Women are soft, gentle, loving, joyful, playful and not the overly competitive people we have become.
This is the era of boss babes and influencers, where we have embodied more masculinity because of the way we have been perceived as women. Of course it can be very depressing being taken only as an object or someone who is only good for the kitchen.
We are much bigger than that actually, we have a spirit and we are made in the image of God. Recently I watched Esther from the bible Movie and I learnt more about being a woman and a wife.
A wife is more than just her husband’s love but someone who prays for the husband, someone who carries the husband’s vision and brings it forth to life. A wife is a helpmate as the scripture emphasizes it and it is possible for one not to position herself accordingly to find her state of marriage not an enjoyable one.
I write not as a marriage counselor or as someone who has a better marriage than anyone however I desire to have a really good marriage so i research and pray for my marriage and other marriages.
It has been laid in my heart to search out such matters because a family is at the foundation of the marriage in a home. This blog desires homes that are full of love and peace.
So how can we bring healing into our homes? and not just read another 8 steps to healing your marriage. I desire that you understand your marriage is a journey and it will not take one night to make a change but its the consistent intention and action towards bringing healing.
Let us get to it, and these steps I talk about here are not the only ways and please do inquire of the Lord concerning your marriage and let God reveal to you what you need to change.
1. Pray For Your Marriage
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.
Luke 18:1
I cannot emphasize that enough, I remember praying about my marriage asking God to help me be the submissive wife that i should be. I knew this has been my area of struggle but with my efforts i often fell short. I remember listening to a sermon earlier before praying where I realized that i have not aligned my prayers with my decisions. I prayed but still decided not to live in submission.
No matter how beautiful the love you have for each other but if there is no submission on your part as his wife, you will not experience the wholeness and contentment in your marriage. God knows that your submission to your husband awakens something in a man which we may refer to as when a man cherishes his wife.
Prayer reveals to you areas of pride and puts to order that which was not in God’s order. So pray for your marriage, your husband, your family and not just once but whenever you can deliberately make the time.
I like to take prayer like my garden that my husband sows for me, as you sow there will be a harvest not overnight though or not on vacation but on consistently watering and weeding your garden.
The position you hold as a wife is a high position that I would like to refer to it as you as a Queen because you are the Queen in your home. You can either build your home or tear it down. It is important that your guidance cometh from the Lord because The spirit of God knows all things and will guide you in all truth. You will even be able to have a way to tame your tongue, know how to speak to your husband and when to speak to your husband and all that is still submission.
The wise woman builds her house,
but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.
Proverbs 14:1
You and I can be that wise woman and God will help us to be.
Prayer reveals things you may not be aware of that are holding you back. Maybe it is submission or intimacy ( maybe you will not let your husband touch you) and with these issues God will reveal to you what is the cause and it is easier to repent knowing what is holding you back.
Related Post:
REVIVING AND STRENGTHENING INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE 8 TIMES BETTER
2. Let Go Of Anger, bitterness, Unforgiveness and Rage
Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert
than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife.
King James Version (Proverbs 21:19)
It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.
It is so easy to live as an angry woman without even noticing or being aware that your personality has shifted. I know this especially as a working mom whose life is demanding because work is hectic and some days with the family can be hectic too and too much of a routine. However the word of God warns us about being angry and living in unforgiveness because it stirs up strife.
Proverbs 15: 1
A gentle answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
One might wonder what you can be angry at your husband about. It is the simple things from taking out the trash, replacing toilet paper in the bathroom, when your husband watches the game instead of you catching up to a movie, something your in- laws said which was not his fault, or it could simply be the way your husband behaves in public like making silly jokes and it may annoy you.
This can linger on your heart and subconsciously you can be annoyed by your husband and stop enjoying his presence with ease. There is a lot and some maybe have more weight than others.
You may not realize that you are the angry woman your husband comes home to. Imagine if this has become normal how you used to smile at him even with little things earlier in marriage or before you got married but now it has become part of your personality to always be angry at your husband.
I am sure he misses his girl because you used to be soft, kind, joyful, playful and now you have become so hard and defensive.
There is also anger that builds up as you grow and deal with different people from work, church or even at home and other places of gatherings. As we work with people daily, there is a challenge that we may not see eye to eye with people we work with and sometimes people are careless with words or even ourselves sometimes.
When that bitterness grows within you it takes away the softness of a woman and that is the essence of who you are because instead you find a way to be hard to protect yourself.
If that kind of anger goes unnoticed and not intentionally healed through prayers and intentionally forgiving others and yourself it will spill out to the people closest to you especially your husband. This is because people can only experience from you what you are full of.
I understand that life may not get easier as we age, with many responsibility but all I am saying it is time to heal, it is time for a new life, a life of peace and utter joy. Do you not miss that?
Okay, now that we have got to talking about these uncomfortable emotions of rage, it is time to align yourself to your prayers. How can you pray for your marriage but you are still rude to your husband?
Simple intentional moments, teach yourself again to smile at him, laugh at his jokes, kiss him back and soon new habits will develop and overtime a whole new personality of the feminine woman he has always loved.
Make a simple decision, I will not be angry at my husband anymore and then walk the talk.
As I was looking at my own personality I realized that these issues are more deep rooted and spiritual than we always try to fix by going on vacations,date nights or trying hard to be intimate.
Do not get me wrong those are great things for a husband and wife to do but it will be in vain if there are lingering issues that are not confronted the Godly way. The ways of God are always peaceful.
A very easy way to look at this is to learn to stop making everything an issue. This creates a lot of unnecessary arguments that easily create a barrier or hard wall between you and your husband easily ruining the atmosphere of companionship.
I am pretty sure it makes it even harder to touch you and even for you to receive or touch him and be playful and loving with each other.
Maybe you may be angry at your husband because he is no longer able to provide financially for now. Let it go, stop being angry and appreciate him for being around. I am sure it is hard for a man not to be able to take care of you like he desires. Trust God to restore your finances.
See how removing anger from your heart revives the intimacy and this helps you to stop striving for intimacy but it will come naturally because you are at peace with your spouse
Related Post!
Not So Love Drenched After All
3. Support Your Husband
Supporting him in His leadership position.
Ephesians 5:22-24
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
This comes to my mind and all I can think of is the word of God. Yes of course he will support you but as you receive from him you have the ability to carry things to life as you do when you are with child.
A woman has the ability to carry a child and so I believe as a woman receives the direction from the husband you have the ability to carry that direction and vision and bring things forth to life. Hence why it is important to support your husband.
Genesis 2:18
And the Lord God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
Support him by prayer and as a leader of your home he needs your prayers, by kind words that you are with him or if you happen to disagree with your husband I am sure there is a kind way to let him know without attacking his Headship (leadership role).
I like to find womanly ways to support my husband and think it is lovely for him not to worry about certain details like a home meal, a clean home, clean clothes and socks. Of course this is not a rules and regulations post of me telling you how to live your life, No Ways. Your life with your husband is sacred in your own way and God will reveal ways you can support your husband.
There are other ways, many actually to support your husband like sitting around while he tells you all about the soccer team he supports by listening and engaging instead of watering it down. Remember the olden days where you used to find everything he said so interesting.
I still hear my mom to this day whenever I ask her for her time and she says I will ask from your Father. Not that he will say no but He is her king and takes his leadership seriously. It is only now that I have dedicated my life to pursuing a deeper understanding of my marriage that I understand and respect that kind of honor and submission.
4. Cultivate Your Own Joy
Psalms 16:11
You make known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.
I do not think it is your husband’s responsibility to keep you happy. I look at it as one’s salvation, it is truly a personal journey. If you do not know how to just Be as a woman, then you will complain a lot desiring for your husband to walk on egg shells.
I know I am talking to different cultures so I may not be aware of who approached another when it came to your courtship however my experience was that my husband pursued me until He awakened love in me and I agreed to date him. If we are not careful as women, this can be the way you expect your marriage to be.
You may expect him to settle the arguments, expect everything to be about you but now you are his girl, of course be as mysterious as you can be but with gentleness and not nagging and aggression taking a form of another male.
Cultivate the joy within you so that you continue to enjoy life together. I said earlier yes life does not get easier as we grow but there are a lot of responsibilities however I am sure there is a way to be joyful and so many things to be thankful for like being in a healthy body and let that joy grow in you and radiate to your husband and your children.
5. Being a Wife Is An Honorable Role
Do not look down on your role because as a wife you have the most important role in your husband’s life. If you do it will affect the way you perceive yourself and how you act towards your husband.
If you know that your role is great, you will know how critical your role is to your husband , to your marriage and enjoying it and to your children and others who look up
up to you.
Proverbs 18:22
He who finds a wife finds what is good
and receives favor from the Lord.
How about you enjoy your role? with ease and grace and just rest!
It means your husband is favored because of you and For me that sounds like a very important role. It is time to enjoy being his woman and because you know of your position then live accordingly and carry your role with joy.
The world has only zoomed in on marriages as they are failing that is why that I have noticed how much being a wife has been watered down even during office talks where as a woman who loves marriage you can perceive your role as inadequate.
I am here today to remind you how powerful you are and I love to base things on God’s word so we have a strong and firm foundation.
Read the whole book of Esther in the bible and there is also a movie recommended by a woman I love so much and respect and you can follow her on you tube and Instagram, Dr Michelle Daf. The movie is One Night With The King.
6. Find Good Company
Surround yourself with women who adore their husbands! Whether it is people you follow on social media but create an environment for your marriage to thrive and such solidifies marriage as a wonderful thing in your subconscious because it is. A great mystery of Christ and the Church which you and your husband are partaking in.
proverbs 13:20
Walk with the wise and become wise,
for a companion of fools suffers harm.
I have been so blessed to have women who have spoken truth to me through God’s word concerning marriage. God purposefully made me close to them because they are much older than me and I have learnt so much from them and still do to this day even just by observing their lives.
One of them hosts marriage seminars as she is a licensed marriage officer and counselor. She has a podcast you can listen to called Resilience on You Tube.
So please do not sit at the table during your lunch hours at work where they talk about husbands in a negative way, it will affect you. It will eventually affect how you view marriage and how you perceive your husband too.
Rather take a short walk when you are done eating.
8. Appreciate Him
I think this should have been on the top 3 list, a man loves to take care of his woman an when you complain he feels like you do not appreciate or even care to notice what he does in the home.
1 Peter 3:1-4
Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2 when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.
3 Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. 4 Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.
The word of God puts emphasis on cultivating your inner person being more important than adorning yourself outwardly. It does not say it is wrong but rather cultivating a gentle and quiet spirit.
Proverbs 31:12
She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
Simply acknowledging all that your husband does and refraining from shaming him with words of complaint. We can really do better as women to stop saying mean things but allow God to tame our tongue.
This is a journey that we acknowledge and then allow God’s word to cleanse our hearts so that out of the abundance of our hearts speak.
Matthew 12;34-40
For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of. 35 A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him.
I pray that above the words the words that I speak may the word of God reveal to you as the wife to your husband what your marriage needs today (in this season). God is faithful to heal and restore your love because you know how it was before a lot of responsibilities took over.
I would love to add that there is no shame in loving your spouse or your husband cherishing you.
Enjoy being a wife, it is what God has given you.
Remember to smile at your husband, it will do something wonderful in his heart because He loves you!
Wrapped In Love
Futhi Mkhwanazi
All Things Godly and Pretty 