How you relate to your child from conception to breastfeeding to tantrums and misbehaviours sets the tone and foundation for how your relationship will look like in 10 years, 20 years.
This is something i just thought about before my children woke up this morning as i was having my time for prayers and meditation.
The way you respond to their touch, when you see them in the morning, when you see them after work, this sets a tone for them for life concerning your relationship in depth.
We hardly ever sit down as parents and just look at what we are modeling for our relationship with our children because life is so demanding even on our side too.
Normally we come from our demanding jobs before we sit down and relax we deal with so many demands and sometimes tantrums if you already have a clan like me.
Its uncommon for parents to establish how to really deal with tantrums so you can have a better relating relationship in the future.
I understand that there are many platforms for these kinds of topics for parents but unless you become consciously aware.
You will not realise that you are creating a monster relationship by sowing life into it without realising and it will grow for sure.
Your Children’s Personalities Differ!
Children are different as you know if you have more than one child now.
All of them are looking for a safe place in you to love them unconditionally. However one child’s character may stress you as a parent without realising your own internal dialogue you act a certain way towards one child and the children will notice.
What to do
Pay attention
I cannot emphasize this enough, i am no angel either but as i write about this i have so much i still need to correct too and learn.
Not so long ago my son said to me i just prefer the girls more than him because he cannot be stylish like them. Children will often give you hints on how they feel and if you are unaware you may let it slide.
Tracing back to my sons words he may have been so right, i did not do it intentionally but because i am a fashion & makeup mom i find myself bonding with the girls more doing their hair, watching fashion shows and Miss Universe together, tea parties and we talk about girl things.
Before we decided to cut our sons dreadlocks, this was not an issue. I used to style his dreads.
This was a short sight too on my side and now as i do my girls hair i also apply some hair food and brush his hair too.
Tantrums and outburst
These have often driven me up the wall and can really make you feel like a failure as a parent and when it happens in public you can feel judged.
Do not despair! As children grow they too discover their will power and ofcourse they want to exercise it. However this does not mean they boss you around and call the shots in the home.
Most definitely not. If that happens it sets the tone in your child knowing they can get away with anything knowing they will win.
It will also affect other relationships they have or they will have in future knowing they always get their way when they raise their voice, shout, scream and cry.
What to do
There is a way to bring order so that your child learns how to communicate clearly what it is that bothers them. Feelings are not bad at all, they let us know how we feel from time to time.
When children are much younger, they may not articulate well into words how they feel and hence the tantrums.
One of the worst things to do is to have an adult tantrum of your own. This shows that you are not in control and children will use that to get you to do things for them.
It is better to correct it now before it establishes new foundations of how your relationship and other relationships should be.
This is one tricky part of the blissful life of a parent.
Avoiding exchanging words when a child is in a tantrum.
Controlling your temper during an outburst and maintaining your role as a parent by sticking to your decisions when tantrums are thrown at you.
Engage with your child and have a conversations about their behaviour.
Involve them and include them when you do your own things, they feel a part and hardly want to do anything to distract you because they are enjoying you.
There was a time when our children ate a lot of yoghurt and ended up not liking real food. We had to come home without yorghut more days even when they cried over it.
We would just give them food and they started loving their food because we were consistent.
Mirror your relationship with your parents!
Look at the relationship you had with your parents.
Whatever it is that you liked or did not like about your parents and how they related with you was established with years of consistency.
That is why children grow up to often say how close they are to their dad more or mom more and it was established like that for years with the way the parent chose to relate to the child.
Sometimes a parent may choose to be closer to one child because they may feel they need to protect them more, maybe due to the arrival of a newborn while the baby is young.
This also sets the tone for this strong bond to be established between a child and a parent.
When there are other children, they will notice and they will associate this with the other child receiving more love from a parent more than they.
You find in such cases a child may not approach you as easily as the one perceived to be close.
The other children can even send the ‘favourite’ child to you because they assume you will agree to everything they want.
I was so humbled when we had our third baby because it made me appreciate my parents more and realise they did the best they knew how to.
It is easier to balance between one or two children but when you get your third baby it can challenge you and often you miss these important things and you realise when the children are grown up that you missed certain gaps.
I often say what is more challenging than giving birth is parenting forever!
One needs wisdom, insight, knowledge and understanding because you can easily miss such aspects.
What to do
If you are not happy with the way your relationship is, the time to change the way you respond to tantrums, outbursts or whatever it is now make it more intentional.
Have time to reflect and a specific time or else it will not happen. Say maybe sunday evening because you may spend more time together on weekends.
- Am i okay in my role as mom?
- Did i do what i had intended to do?
- Are my children okay?
If you are constantly shouting 80% of the time will also have an impact on your relationship.
No matter how much a child misbehaves, they desire your love and affection more and its a matter of finding common interests or establish those fun things to do together.
Plan more themed nights, movie nights, fun nights, park times and so much more to get them to engage with you.
Establish what you want your children to know
What are the things you desire your children to know?
Do you want your children to have a great relationship with God, read the word of God and exercise your faith as you pray together.
How do you relate with your children right now?
The way children are so smart, they see through you, they actually know you from conception, they look you in the eye.
My baby Shalom loves looking into my eyes and just watch every reaction i have. Sometimes i ask her “what is it honey?” And she says “it is because i love you mommy”.
Your Realationships
Think about your most important relationships
• With God
• Spouse
• Parents
• Colleagues
• Friends
Are these authentic from the heart, are they your priority?
How were their foundations set?
It sets the tone for other relationships.
Proverbs 22:6
Train a child in the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it.
If you recognise something to be fixed, the time to fix it is now!
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